Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Thoughts, Mexico and San Diego

Staring out the window is a London-like gray day in Los Angeles today. Funny enough I don’t feel the heaviness of the gray as I look before me to the things I consistently discover and feel. I sit here playing with my new silver bracelet which holds sentimental value to me now. Now being the key word. Life is ever-changing, people are ever-changing, situations, feelings, circumstances, scenery… and now I realize the meaning of God being consistent. God always being there – God not changing. Though God is not tangible and I cannot wrap my arms around His feet so that I can thank Him (or Her as nature would more readily suggest), I realize the great comfort of consistency. There are very few consistent things in my life – the love of my parents, my love for music, and the fact that when I look up at the night sky Orion is always there for me – that puts a smile on my face. We are living in a time where we are being told it is okay to change all the time – but it makes me wonder if this also adds to the current state of loneliness. Should we have the ability to accept the differences in people and love them just the same? Why is it love changes at all? If it is what I interpret love to be – in that when I love someone it is their inside that I love more than their outside then what is it that changes when people tell you they cannot be there for you anymore? So my question is this….if God is Love…then why does Love change? Is it because it wasn’t love at all? That would be my guess although sometimes it amazes me at how people so readily open themselves up only to withdraw in fear or other psychological burdens that haunt their existence. What I have found is that people seem not to be able to accept unconditional, unearned love. For whatever reason, it seems they have to feel they worked hard for it, that it wasn’t available all the time. They don’t feel worthy of waking up in the morning, looking across the bed and saying “I am so happy that this person realizes that he/she deserves to and is wonderful enough to wake up next to me and vice versa despite the fact that I am not perfect” …

Mexico – Tijuana to be more precise was a wonderful little experience. Stalls and stalls of leather, silver, ceramics, little guitars, religious paraphernalia, paintings, ponchos and sombreros. Mariachi’s just about everywhere, little children running around and truly truly everything I envisioned Tijuana would be like. The people were warm and friendly and although it was a short stay I would like to return and take the drive to Baja to see the heart and soul of Mexico.

San Diego also hit home with me. I felt some sort of higher consciousness towards life down there. It seemed to me that people were more in touch with nature – hiking, biking, rollerblading, having bonfires on the beach and just enjoying life without the materialistic expectations that Los Angeles places upon you. In San Diego you can just about chill with anyone and discuss world politics, you can have breakfast the old fashioned way – something truly American that sometimes you find in a New York City diner. The characters and faces I came across all seemed to have a story and somehow I felt more connected to them. It had sort of a granola Burlington Vermont feel to it. I spent Sunday on a horse (Appaloosa) called Colorado and met my first person from New Mexico – a true cowboy, chewing tobacco, hat, spurs and the whole nine yards. I always thought they only existed in Western movies J Horseriding was peaceful and fun. It was a nice time to reflect on a lot of things once more and it is something I would love to go back to. Escaping my first experience with a mere scrape on my hand due to my horses sudden need to dive down and munch on grass under a tree (with which I became intimate with!), overall it was enjoyable riding through the canyon and being in natural surroundings as opposed to the concrete blocks in Los Angeles.

And so next on the agenda is that search for consistency – somehow, somewhere…starting with myself. Dedication is a powerful tool – and dedication towards anything makes the chances of success so much greater. Sometimes I wish people had as much passion and dedication for building relationships as they did for their careers but I find this not being the case so much. So – head down I will continue on my path until perhaps someone actually convinces me they understand where I am coming from!! Music, music, music,….writing, writing, writing, living, laughing, loving life, succeeding – its all there for me to entertain and so I will.

God Bless

Friday, February 08, 2008

Just some Thursday thoughts....

The sun rose this morning just like every other
Once again you wake to the dream you call reality
You search, you seek to find your answers
Looking for a piece of the universe to claim as your own

You breathe, your mind propels your body once more
Life and love wait for you behind familiar doors
Despite the blessings that you have been given
You crave the need to bleed to know you’re alive

And it is this moment – this very moment
And the moment after this moment
It is however many moments you may survive
That are the very answer to all that you seek

Brace yourself because it is that simple
Embrace yourself because you are that beautiful
Your simple breath itself is a sacred exchange with life
You take in, you give out, you take in, you give out….

The sun will set today just like every other
Pray your anxiety does not clutter your dreams
For your being in this moment is as beautiful as life
And you being in this life is more beautiful than anything.


Tuesday, February 05, 2008

The Cure to Loneliness?

Sometimes I get into the mood to reflect on my day to day experiences in life and express outside of the world of my music, my Armenia, and my day to day activities which are nothing less than stimulating, thought provoking and sometimes just plain fun.
I think the older I get the more I seem to understand human psychology – and maybe even though the hardest thing of all is to change yourself – perhaps it is a blessing that we can understand ourselves in the big picture and learn to understand others better.
The more experience I have the more I realize that communication is the key to success. Whether it be to a significant other, a family member, a friend, or even a boss – the outcome of a situation is so much better when things are left unassumed, clarified, explained. Truth can be hurtful, some of us cannot handle hearing what impression we might make on someone else but ultimately understanding that we might be interpreted in certain ways is better than being rejected and never understanding why. I should clarify that rejection is never solely the result of one persons behaviour but rather a misunderstanding or lack of communication in the expectations and feelings between people.
In the past weeks I almost lost someone I considered a best friend and through all that I realized that I underestimated some of the other friends I had who were there for me during some difficult days. The older I get, the more I value friendship over suddenly romantic and often unrealistic relationships. The older I get the more I realize that there is a great beauty in being able to tell someone exactly how you feel (kindly and openly) and that being true to yourself is in fact something that is more admirable. I have also come to realize that relationships simply cannot last unless people are willing to deal with the fact that sometimes life changes our situations and feelings – the pressures in our daily lives can surmount to tensions that we take out on our loved ones because we assume that they will always be there for us. I often wonder why people are so quick to walk away at the first sign of stress or displeasure – and of course society calls these people selfish – selfish that they should only think of their immediate happiness. In some ways I am in agreement but the word I would like to use is not selfish – but rather short-sighted. Selfish is a good word in some ways – because without embracing yourself, loving yourself and being true to who you are you cannot possibly share yourself in a healthy manner with someone else. Selfish and self-centered are very different words. The self-centered person will be completely oblivious to the feelings and needs of someone they are supposed to care about. For instance – everything and every conversation will revolve around them – their achievements, their losses, their feelings, what they want, etc…. The selfish person will be sympathetic, empathetic, and patient with the person that they care about – but ultimately they will not go out of their way to do something that is not true to themselves – that is done out of guilt. They will simply be there without sacrificing themselves. In my beliefs, if there is love in a relationship, if there is communication in a relationship, moments of misunderstanding pass with time, with honesty, with self-love, and patience. Part of that is the need to be selfish (self-loving) but not self-centered. The self-centered person thinks only of their own immediate happiness and has no patience to truly empathise with others emotions, nor the ability to realize that in their obsession to perfect and hone themselves to the standards they deem acceptable, they often sabotage their friendships and complain about being alone. And so – I call it short sightedness. Something it seems my generation suffers from greatly. The ability to stick something out and work through it because it actually takes a bit of work and a bit of patience. Whether it be romantic or non-romantic is not important – what is important is the realization that the meaning of relationships is an exchange. Furthermore, in my opinion, what constitutes long term love is the ability to know that you have worked through the rough times and the happy times with someone - like a team – trusting and knowing that sometimes things will seem impossible but always remembering the reasons you were there in the first place.
Life is a series of valleys and peaks – it is what makes life so interesting, ever-changing, unpredictable, wise and wonderful and always teaching us its lessons if we care to notice. I am grateful for the people I have in my life that have these values and I feel that I do my best to be the kind of person I describe. Perhaps one day by chance I will meet someone that is able to understand the meaning of a relationship even in a romantic setting – and then life will once again surprise and astound me.
I praise God for the lessons He teaches me and I ask that we all have the courage to be selfish in the right ways, with the ability to communicate, to be patient with the ones we love, to be kind to ourselves and not always critical because often we hurt the ones who love us in that self-centeredness, and mostly to not be short-sighted. To realize that love is something that gets stronger when it stands the tests thrown before it – when within it lies tenderness and kindness. Perhaps then I will look around me and see that all the wonderful friends I have will not feel so alone – for the disease of my generation is the loneliness they face – the difficulty of finding partners who are not self-centered or who realize that real values are more important than financial success (albeit this is a good thing too). But it takes more than nice cars and houses to build something real. Probably I am a romantic forever – but a house can burn down and a car can get stolen but true love is intangible to others outside of that relationship. It is in your hands to nurture and grow it and it is those two people who see on that wavelength than can truly create an exciting partnership for their future – because although it changes, its strength increases – I always love the verse in I Corinthians about love: - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
And so Peace and love to all and a genuine hope that you either have or will find this kind of love in your lives.