This Woman's Heart

I would like to dedicate this blog to my husband Trevor. He may feel that it is too late to include him in the great journey that my life has taken in the last 14 months but I feel it is due time that I share what it is that he signifies for me. I met my husband in the summer of 2003 at a gastropub in London called the Firestables. I recall at the time that he made me laugh and that no one had made me laugh for a long time. We managed to date for 8 months before we got engaged. In that short period I felt that I had met my soulmate. He took an interest in my family, my culture, and my beliefs. He showered me with the most beautiful roses I had ever received in my life on my birthday that first year. He made me feel beautiful and loved and we developed an incredible relationship in which I wished to support his dreams and see him happy. He surprised me on Christmas by returning from the Canary Islands early and arriving on my doorstep to celebrate Christmas with my family. February of 2005 brought on our engagement in one of the most romantic and wonderful holidays. The simple engagement ring he presented to me symbolised his love in the most profound way as he did not wait to propose until later when we would receive the more elaborate ring that was being made by my cousin in California. Our wedding was planned to the very last detail and I can recall it to be a stunning day surrounded by friends and family who really made the event incredibly special. The speeches were heartfelt and the love that surrounded us was incredibly evident. This was in November of 2004.
Our marriage afterwards presented unforseen and unusual pressures that in hindsight distorted the very beautiful thing we had created. I became ill with thyroid, lost my job in unpleasant circumstances, went though a nerve wracking tribunal, took on a minimum wage job to "keep busy" and found myself in unchartered territory without family or friends. I looked to my husband as my best friend. Taking advantage of that I expressed my frustration at being alone and pleaded to move South so that we could be with our families. In discovering that we were stuck where we were because of his work situation I began to blame his work, and expressed unhappiness about the home we lived in and the fact that we did not have a social life. Perhaps even though I expressed how incredibly I loved him it was muted by the fact that I was frustrated in those other situations. Given the opportunity to go to Armenia as a volunteer in the summer of 2005 I jumped on the occassion for a fresh change and some inspiration.
In Armenia I discovered freedom and with it my passion and love for music resurfaced causing me to want to return and record the new "Janapar" cd. I returned excited and full of ideals and expressed that our lifestyle should change and that I should follow my music. I returned in April for 3 months which turned into 4 and recorded the CD. At this time I was in my own world - eager to create something with all of me and positive that it would make me a better person. I focused on evaluating my life, spending a lot of time thinking and hoping to strike a balance between music and life with my family.
I want to say that I could have never done it without the basis of having a husband who loved me the way he did and gave me the freedom to go and record a CD that is love at its best through and through. I want to say that I have carried him with me always and although at times I may have seemed elsewhere that the music never took his place, Armenia never took his place and no one else took it either.
Despite so many new experiences, I am the same girl who enjoyed the Epsom horse races, who loves countryside walks and pints of Guinness at the pub, the same girl who loves Boys Choir music and the Kingly Street Blues Bar, the same girl who prayed for the success of my husband, who put love and care into our home to make it ours, who walked along the riverside in Putney and in the gardens of Richmond Park, who embraced my husband when he came home from work and even ran him a hot bath at times! I am faced with the fact that he feels that our lives have changed and that his path needs to take him elsewhere. I know that standing in front of the altar with the cross over our heads and his eyes looking into mine that I thought my path would always be with his. I am thankful for the times in which he supported me. I am that very same girl.
Thank you husband for the positive things in my life and take care not to delve on the negatives which only grow and distort themselves into unrealistic little ugly monsters if we let them. Remember the very reading at our wedding: 1st Corinthians Chapter 13: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Peace and love
Sonya